Psalm 63 says:
“You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water”
I can totally relate to the Psalmist here. My soul does long for God and my flesh, the parts of me that are so human and ugly, they cry out to him for freedom, for wholeness, for completion. I picture the plant that has withered from lack of moisture and watch as water is added to its soil, and it drinks and become full as water flows into its stem, up into its leaves, puffing it out to its beautiful fullness again, and I long for God to fill me with that living water!
In her book Abide, Macrina Wiederkehr says, “Could this stirring within actually be God who lives and moves and loves in me? Does the part of me that often limps along halfheartedly need to learn to connect with that part of me which is most like God? Do I need to offer hospitality to everything within me that yearns for completion? How can I be faithful to my desire for God?”
*Wiederkehr OSB, Marcina (2011-08-31). Abide (Kindle Locations 275-277). Liturgical Press. Kindle Edition.
Wow, she get’s me. That is just it! The broken part of me, the part that causes me to lose my temper with my kids (and that is putting it mildly), the part of me that spits insults at the driver that cut me off, the part of me that judges others, the part of my heart that has hatred, unforgiveness, malice (yes, I do)…it needs to connect with the God in me…the part of me that loves and accepts people unconditionally, the part of me that is so consumed by God that I cannot help but share Him with others, the part of me that has unspeakable joy and peace in the midst of the hardest and darkest times, the part of me that can’t help but worship God for who he is. This is the process of becoming…complete. Its a perpetual journey of death and rebirth. An evolutionary process of the darkness inside of us being consumed by the light inside of us. And as long as we are here, between the already and the not yet, we will feel that longing, that tension, that pain of growth…and that is good.
The depths of me cry out to the depths of You
The chords of Your heart go deep and tug at my insides
I can feel You pulling me in
I am so desperately clinging to Your chords, hanging on for dear life
At times it is painful, like the world wants to tear me away
My flesh tears in searing pain
But You don’t let go
And You pour Yourself over my wounds
And my wounds become soil
And I am budding green as your living water rushes in