Category Archives: love

And you give yourself away….

Today, as I sat silent with God, I remembered all the times I’ve given my heart away to someone or something.  It is so easy to do, especially for women, emotional creatures that we are.  I thought about times I loved without limits only for that love to be used and tossed aside, or maybe never even recognized in the first place.  I thought about all the times I’ve been used.  Used by so called friends who were really only “friends” with me for what they could get out of it.  Used by men for my body.  Dare I say, even used by the Church for my talents?  I can think of so many people and things I gave my heart to in these different scenarios.  Then the question came to mind.  Why did I allow these people to use me?  Why did I give my heart away so easily?  The answer is simple…life.  I was trying to get life from these people by giving them my heart.  Instead of getting life from my Creator, (the only One who can give true life) I squandered my heart trying to get it anywhere I could.  I ransomed what God put in me for what only He could give me but not to HE who could give it.  


Of  course I realize that now.  But before I had this revelation all I had was the hurt that came from my heart being broken.  I stood at a point in my life where I had to make a decision not to let anyone have my heart. I locked it away and guarded it with my bitterness and cynicism.  Nobody was allowed in…not even God.  Its easy to go through life that way, even as a Christian, and not even realize it.  But its like being a zombie.  You just go through the motions of the “Christian” life but have no real life that sustains you…God given life.  


Thank God, literally, that He got a hold of my heart again.  When I slowly started realizing that I had given myself away trying to get life that only God could give, I started to unlock the chains around my heart.  Slowly I began to give my heart back to God. When I did that, healing started happening.  God began (and continues to this day) to restore to me all that I had wasted.  Not only is he healing my heart but he is giving me HIS heart.  Now I am able to give my heart away in love and service to others because its not my  heart I am giving away, its God’s.  I think that is what it means to have our identity in Christ.  Its not us that does the work of love, it is Christ through us.  He loves and moves through us.  We are his hands and feet.  And if we allow him, he gives us his heart to love others the way he does.  Now when I give my heart away a seed is planted.  Nothing is wasted.  I am redeemed, God is glorified and I get to be part of his Kingdom here on earth.  What a beautiful way to live.  That is true life.  Who has your heart?  








Until Today….

Until today, it never even occurred to me that my husband’s skin was a different color than mine.  Sadly, we were reminded with a message of hatred and ignorance.  When I picked  him  up from work today the story unfolded.  He works at the Hendricks County Animal Shelter in Danville, IN.  When he was hired he was told that he may encounter folks that might not like the fact that he’s black and he’s an officer.  We didn’t think anything of it.  
BRIAN MAKES OUR KITES EACH YEAR FOR OUR CHURCH KITE DAY
Honestly I thought, “I know its Hendricks county but we’ve become pretty well integrated,” and never worried that anything would actually happen.  Today he was informed that the police were investigating something that happened late last night.  Behind the shelter where he works you can see US HWY 36.  You can also see the “Welcome to Danville” sign, which you can also see coming into Danville on US HWY 36.  Someone had draped a sign over the Danville sign, visible from both the highway and the shelter.  The sign read, “No Niggers”.  My heart races and my stomach is in knots just typing that out.  My heart dropped when I heard him say it out loud.  

My first reaction was anger.  “I wish I could face the person who did this and let them know just how ignorant and pathetic they are.”  If I were completely honest I am still carrying some of that anger.  But after grieving over this and asking why, trying to grasp how someone could think that someone is less of a person just because of the color of their skin, I am mostly heartbroken.  I feel sorry for the person who can carry that mentality.  I feel sorry for the way they were brought up and the things they must have been taught to become the sort of person who would do this.

What also makes me sad is that this person or these people who did this will never know Brian.  And what a loss that is for them.  They will never know his reaction to their hatred.  They will never know that as all of his co-workers stared at him in disbelief and shock at this outrage, waiting for his response, Brian’s words made them laugh and set their minds at ease.  

They will never see him command a crowd with his smile and his charm.  They will never see him rule a stage from his drum kit.  They will never see the hilarious, unique and sometimes down right ridiculous dances he does at home to entertain me and his son.  They will never hear his infectious laughter or the beautiful dialect he speaks when talking to his friends and family in Barbados.  They will never hear the music he makes.  They will never see him interact with his son, worship God at his church, clean his messy house and cook dinner at the end of a long day at work because his wife is not feeling well enough to  do it.  They will never see the content of his character, his humility, his servant’s heart.  They will never see that he is the kind of man who never sees an outsider.  Nobody is unloveable.  Everyone deserves a smile and a hello.  Unfortunately, even if they did know Brian, all of that would be lost on them because Brian has never ever seen skin color.  Now I am faced with the question, “How do I protect him from this?  How do I protect my son?”  Sadly, we live in a fallen world and I don’t think we will ever see the end of racism until Jesus returns to restore the earth to what it was originally intended to be.  My only answer is that God is with us and he brings the Kingdom through us.  The Kingdom has no race, color, sex, religion, none of it.  So my cry to God is to teach me how to be the Kingdom builder in the face of racism because I’m sure it won’t be the last encounter.  It will never stop breaking my heart and it will never make sense to me.   


The thing about marriage is…

When all else is stripped way, when romance is held ransom by to-do lists and quality time is replaced with passing hellos on a busy day, when getting “dolled up” doesn’t matter anymore (because who’s really looking anyway) and vibrant, interactive relationship becomes mere existence…this is the true test.  This is when the rubber meets the road.  I forgot what it was like to be in love until today.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  After long conversations about “what went wrong” and “how did we get here?” I realized that we’ve moved into the deeper levels of love and commitment.  Where romance isn’t necessary anymore but will most definitely be innate, a natural outpouring of the depth of our commitment.  I realized that he is here to stay.  He doesn’t just love me.  He sees me as part of him.  We may have a tough road ahead but I know I will fight for him and he will fight for me.   A love that never fails…sounds familiar doesn’t it?  Yes, we will fail, but our love won’t.  All of the glory goes to God.  This kind of love would not be possible if it weren’t for HIS love. 
1 John 4:19  “We love because he first loved us.”

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